tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-49048751860588216922024-03-06T00:25:03.063-08:00The "Forty Something" FilesUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904875186058821692.post-31192308255046059832014-04-13T08:03:00.001-07:002014-04-13T08:03:57.255-07:00With just one hug...<div class="MsoNormal">
She wrapped her arms around the tiny woman, feeling all her of
her frailty and age. And, yet she herself felt she was the one small and crumbling at the words she was hearing:</div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“I love your parents, you know. And...I love you too.”</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With that hug and her return I love you, she wished that so
many things in her heart could be instantly transferred without words:</div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“I have missed you so very much.”<br />“Your love means so much to me.”<br />“I am sorry that we disappointed you. Sorry for that most of
all.”<br />“I am sorry that I couldn’t make things work with your son.”</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With arms outstretched, she wanted to say more:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“I really am the good person you knew me to be. I am still
me. I am still here.”<br />“I have learned so much and have grown so close to the same
God that you love.”<br />“Thank you for all of our time together. I cherish those memories.”<br />“It is OK with me if you love her as much or more than me. I
hope that she loves you and deserves you.”<br />“It was really hard being replaced so quickly and easily with your family.
I truly loved you all.”</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As the lump formed in her throat in those few seconds that
seemed like a hour, she knew that a hug could simply not say all of the things
she wanted to say. But, she was sure the elderly woman saw the emotion that she was
trying to contain. She hoped that somehow, her former mother-in-law could
understand how important this moment was for her.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The years they had spent together had mattered so much. Always
feeling different from her own family, this woman had given her a emotional home.
And, when her beloved grandmother had passed right before the birth of her daughter, the one person with whom she felt such a bond, this woman's home and love had been so very important to
her survival. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the face of divorce, her own family had disappointed. She
loved and forgave them, and understood that they just did not know how to be
here for her emotionally in the way she so desperately needed during a time of
so much loss and fear. This was the one person she would have talked to during that time, and
she could not. She had spent the past few years feeling like she was now the designated enemy of the one of the most important women in her life.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In reality, this was just a well-wished hug. But, in her
heart, so much more was said. As she watched her former mother-in-law walk away,
she realized that she probably would never get the chance to say all of
these things to her. Saying them now would be selfish, and would cause stress
in a carefully balanced dynamic that was currently working. So, this would have
to be enough. This hug and this short moment. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
And, deep inside, somehow…it was.<o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904875186058821692.post-3391386808360123952014-02-24T19:37:00.001-08:002014-02-25T19:41:42.521-08:00The reminderI am a firm believer that God sends us messages. Sometimes we are so busy in our lives, that they just fly past us and get lost. Sometimes, when we are lucky, they land upon us and soak into our skin, changing us forever. <br />
<br />
One moment like this can make you look at life in a completely different way. And, that always amazes me.<br />
<br />
Tonight, I was sorting through a closet that I filled when I first moved into my home. I am having shelves built and I needed to clear the space for the work to be done.<br />
<br />
At the time I filled this closet, I was overwhelmed. I was weeks from my divorce being final. I had just survived the milestone of turning forty in a somewhat shell-shocked state, thanks to the split. As I poured through things, aside from being traumatized by the amount of this scrapbooking stuff that I actually have that I did not realize, this closet held other surprises for me. <br />
<br />
I came across several special cards and things I made in my marriage that I did not realize that I even had. I’ll be honest. It was difficult reading them. <br />
<br />
In just 2006, I told my ex-husband that I was happy he loved me just as I was, and how I would always be there for him. This brought tears to my eyes, not because of what was lost, actually. But, because it was such a reminder to me that I spent so many years reciting things like that to myself, because it was what I wanted to believe so desperately. That my husband loved me just for me. <br />
<br />
Sadly, in the end, I figured out that he never did and that was a huge part of the problem for us. Some I started realizing in the marriage…and much I have learned in the years that followed our split. <br />
<br />
It’s hard to see these things and face that just four years after this, we were nothing. <br />
<br />
It makes me question myself, but then mostly it just makes me sad. It is a forever reminder to me that I did want “US” to be an “US,” for so very long. <br />
<br />
I guess maybe God knew that I needed see this after this time of being single. It validates that I did give everything in my marriage. I truly wanted to be married forever, and the realization that I would not be to this man took me years to accept. For a time, it nearly swallowed me whole in despair, quite honestly.<br />
<br />
Now, I sit and ponder over what to do with these things. Clearly, they mean something more than just a reminder that when I love, I do so with my whole heart. Perhaps it has been so many years since I have felt real romantic love, that I needed to be reminded of that. <br />
<br />
And, while this chapter of my life is long over, I think I will save these with the wedding photos and other mementos that I have for my children. This may cause tension later in my life, should I meet someone else to love who stumbles across this. But, I think it is important that my kids know that their parents did love one other at one point—or at least that their mother loved their father and tried.<br />
<br />
The fact that I have all of these things also made me realize that it means that he has nothing left of me. It actually does not surprise me. Part of the emotional luggage I carry with me into any future relationship is the understanding that, while I was the one who ultimately said our marriage can’t continue on, he was the one who very seamlessly erased and replaced me within a year of our split. I know I need to let that go too, but that one may take me awhile.<br />
<br />
So, for now, I will tuck these items into a box that will go into the highest shelf of the corner of my closet, not to be opened again for many years or maybe ever again by me. Maybe one day my son or daughter will find them and realize that there was love. And, that’s something worth remembering, I guess. I guess maybe that’s what God was trying to tell me all along. <br />
<br />
Hey, you. <br />
Don’t you forget. <br />
There was love.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904875186058821692.post-25611062540686436382014-01-13T19:33:00.003-08:002014-01-13T19:33:21.671-08:00Speed bumps and swimming...So, right after I posted that status around 11 days ago, I got an email from someone on the dating site. This was unusual because the site that I am on asks that you go through various Q&A sessions before you get to the email phase. I think because I've done another site where email is the main communication method, I went ahead and started talking.<br />
<br />
Well, within two days, I'd met the guy for drinks. <br />
<br />
And, within five days, I'd had three dates with him. <br />
<br />
Yes, that many. That fast. <br />
<br />
Then, we hit my nice, built-in relationship speed bump of kid custody for five days. <br />
<br />
To summarize the three dates, I'd say this:<br />
<br />
1. A nice meet-up for drinks. I feel like there is chemistry. This could be good.<br />
<br />
2. A great quick movie with him. We managed to talk during previous and there were a lot of smiles. Clear chemistry. Even hand holding. Sweet guy.<br />
<br />
3. Romantic awesome official date. Lots of deep conversation and sharing of our pasts. Huge chemistry. Didn't want the night to end. He was a gentleman. Wow, did I feel romanced.<br />
<br />
After this experience, I was feeling good. This guy was clearly outgoing and became very flirty on text. He was very direct about thinking I was very attractive/sexy/wonderful. He was almost so complimentary, that I felt warning flags go off. But, he seemed sincere and said he was a very romantic guy. He asked if I would consider not "shopping around on the site" and seeing if we could have something, if he agreed to do the same. <br />
<br />
It all sounds perfect doesn't it? Fast. But, good?<br />
<br />
But, what all of this doesn't say, is that in my head I was dueling between the warning flags I saw before me and the incredible words he was feeding me. One by one, those warning flags...or questions got answered. But, there remained one huge one that did not. It nagged and nagged in the back of my head.<br />
<br />
Through the weekend, he texted. Five days of sweet talk, sharing how he couldn't wait to see me again. Several phone calls where we laughed and learned more about one another. It went well and I got very excited about what our next day would be like.<br />
<br />
But, the nagging question just would not go away. <br />
<br />
I have since been told by friends that I have complete justification in needing to know this information and in it bothering me. Single male friends have agreed that they wouldn't be offended or bothered by what I said and did.<br />
<br />
Basically, I bluntly asked the question by phone the night before our fourth date.<br />
<br />
And, I hurt his feelings.<br />
<br />
I didn't mean to, and told him as much right in that moment. Told him that I could not get closer to him, without getting an answer, and that I was trying to be smart and open and up front. It tried to get him to relate to why a single mom who has been hurt in the past would need to know these things.<br />
<br />
He nicely kept the date and defensively gave a response, but didn't give me any valid answer. Not really.<br />
<br />
Then, today, he changed. His sexy flirty texts became just plain disrespectful and rude. And, that's where it all came unraveled faster than it started.<br />
<br />
After finally getting tired of the innuendos and disrespectful talk, I basically said I'd had enough. He seemed to be pushing this over the top evening that was going to be way more than I was ready for, and I even called him out on that. He admitted later that he had been hurt by my question on the phone. Whether he realized it or not, he was clearly lashing out. <br />
<br />
This resulted in a long series of texts with questions, blended with jabs towards me. <br />
<br />
And, I was done. I was completely attracted to this man, and I was not going to make concessions this time. And, I told him as much. And, as he took his last jab, I waited and sent him a text that basically told him I knew he'd been hurt just like I had and that I felt he was a good guy. But, this wasn't going to work. <br />
<br />
Was I heartbroken? Maybe a little. Yes, I cried a few tears on my drive home at the fact that he had seemed the most close to what I'm looking for than any man I have dated since my divorce. But, I wasn't flattened this time. And, that is worth noting.<br />
<br />
What have I learned?<br />
<br />
Well, for one...that I have grown. <br />
<br />
Where I used to try to make the guy fit what I want/need, ignoring deal breakers and big flags along the way, I did not do that this time. Clearly, this guy has some baggage that he was hiding.I could have waiting around growing more attached to him, to find out the real deal, but I decided I did not want to risk that hurt. <br />
<br />
Second, I learned that I can trust who I am and what I need, and stand by that. <br />
<br />
I don't need to budge on certain things, even when I find myself incredibly attracted to the person. Those are my morals and they aren't out of whack. They are what I need and what God wants for me.<br />
<br />
Finally, I have come to a place where I know I am worth more than a cheap quick fling. And, more importantly, that my dating life as a single mom has to be different than a single woman. I have two kids who depend on me. I cannot introduce someone into my life without it impacting theirs, even if I don't plan to introduce them to anyone for a long time. A risk I take, could hurt them. And, that's just not OK with me--even if it means I stay alone for a very long time.<br />
<br />
A few weeks ago, my son asked me rather suddenly while on a drive what I had done for Christmas. By his expression, I could tell it had just occurred to him that I had spent my Christmas Eve and Day completely alone, while he was celebrating with his Dad and his Dad's extended family. I watched a look of worry come over him.<br />
<br />
It tugged at my heart, as I tried to reassure him that I had been just fine. I will BE just fine. And, I am fine.<br />
<br />
But, I also realize that it is important for me to be back out here trying. I deserve to find someone. My kids even think so. I have a lot to offer. I have developed a good confidence in myself the past few years, that wasn't around before. <br />
<br />
And, while I had an immediate and quick failure with this attempt at online dating, I didn't want to retreat into non-dating mode again as I had when the last relationship failed and I ended up hurt. I wanted to keep trying. Tonight, I got back on the site and sent several smiles out to interesting profiles.<br />
<br />
A good friend of mine described our experiences as caring, good people sincerely looking for the right person, as being like swimming in a pool of sharks. We try, we get hurt by the sharks inevitably, but we keep looking for that right fish out there to match us. We are just swimming with sharks and it is going to hurt for awhile until we find the right one. <br />
<br />
I really related to this. The past three years, my inner motto has come from a forgetful blue fish from movie fame. Dory the Bluefish from Finding Nemo, always said, "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming." I have learned to paddle through the hardest of times, sometimes feeling like I was too exhausted to even tread water. But, I kept on growing and learning from my failures. And, today I am a content, financially stable woman with a successful career, and a much more positive outlook on life in general as a result. I am happier than I have ever been!<br />
<br />
This dating thing really doesn't have to be any different. I'll just keep swimming and maybe I'll find my way eventually.<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904875186058821692.post-59570982102477606792014-01-04T07:53:00.000-08:002014-01-04T07:53:15.664-08:00Ripping it off...It’s inevitable. I have friends who hate the new year, because they say resolutions are fake or that people never live up to them. So, why bother? <br />
<br />
I have always liked January because it is the one time of year when everyone is trying to do better…to BE better. And, what is so bad about that? <br />
<br />
Looking into the new year as a single person of almost four years now is a different experience. While I have my weight loss/fitness goals and other little hopes and plans for myself similar to everyone else’s, there is an elephant in the room that I must acknowledge. <br />
<br />
It is time to get back out there…dating-wise. Sigh. <br />
<br />
After a rather upsetting dating experience with what was probably a bi-polar man, I had taken myself off the online dating market for a good six months. It wasn’t that I was giving up on meeting someone. But, blindly meeting someone online requires you to put a lot of faith and hope that the person is actually a good person. This is a scary thing, for which I have never grown accustom. Does anyone? And, after having an experience with someone that I thought was a good guy, only to have him flip on several occasions into NOT a good guy, made me realize that I was playing Russian roulette with my life, quite honestly. <br />
<br />
Sure, I know several really good guy friends who have dated online with pure intentions. So, I know the right ones are out there. But, here was a prime example of a very messed up individual who I let get close to me, that I should not have. I did not trust my judgment anymore, and I needed to go into “lock down” mode for a bit. <br />
<br />
You see, I am not in a hurry to settle down. <br />
<br />
I am not desperate to find someone. <br />
<br />
I have watched a few friends frantically out there dating as if there’s some expiration date on their ability to find an eligible male. I have let their attitudes make me feel rushed in the past. So, I think I just needed to put on the emergency brake while I regrouped and spent time growing and learning about myself some more. And, that’s just what I did. <br />
<br />
That brings me to January 2014. <br />
<br />
Single. <br />
<br />
Content. <br />
<br />
Not where I want to be in terms of my fitness/health. But, in a better place emotionally than I have ever been in my life. I am stronger in my faith than ever. I know who I am and what I want, more closely than ever. I am emotionally off of the rollercoaster that was overcoming divorce and healing, and I have been for some time now. In fact, I now teach a class to help people recovering from divorce. And, I have found a lot of comfort and hope in helping others in this way. <br />
<br />
As I sat with one of my favorite male friends at dinner the other night, we both marveled…we are fabulous and single. We are both awesome, so why are we not snatched up? The truth of the matter is, there are a lot of us out there--awesome individuals who are single. People who have a lot to give someone else, who haven’t found the right person. And, unlike what some of my single girlfriends think, I refuse to believe the good ones are all taken. After all, I am a good one and here I sit. <br />
<br />
For awhile, I felt like giving up on it and just “being.” And, so I did. I survived a Christmas alone again this year. And, I do mean completely alone. My family came after Christmas when I had the kids to celebrate. I even sat alone at my church’s Christmas Eve service. And, I was OK. It is the way it is, and I would rather be there taking in the meaning of that night than staying home alone or worrying about what others thing if I don’t have someone sitting with me. I realize that means that I have come a long way in the past few years. <br />
<br />
The truth of single life in this day and age is that, if you want to meet someone, you go online. People are just too busy in their own lives to turn on their radar and find someone the good old-fashioned way. In my experience, I don’t meet single and available men any other way than online dating. So, I have to hope that this will go better this time. <br />
<br />
Consequently, I am approaching this in a much different way. Two people close to me know that I am doing this. That’s all. I can take this as slowly as I want. I plan to be selective. I plan to be careful and more “streetwise” with things, although my fear is that I tend to be rather innocent and trusting with my heart. I’ll have to watch that. <br />
<br />
There is no reason to rush. I recently watched a dear friend get married after meeting someone only 4 months prior, and watched her morph into someone different in those few months. I do not want that. I don’t want to be swept off my feet in a whirlwind. <br />
<br />
I want to find someone nice who grows on me. <br />
<br />
I want to be courted. <br />
<br />
I want to slowly get to know them and let my heart open up fully and regain trust in the process. Eventually, I will introduce them to friends and family, and one day to my children. I have no timetable, and no one else will dictate my timetable either. <br />
<br />
My first active day on the site, I got an email from an Italian New York transplant to my city. What on earth do I have in common with this guy? I wondered. I’m meeting him tonight for a drink at a rather crowded pub, where I am certain to probably know a few people. <br />
<br />
I take the edge of the bandage and take in a deep breath. It is scary putting myself out there. It is a lot easier to just stay in my life as it is and be alone. But, I know that my heart deserves more than that. I have a lot to offer someone else and I want to receive love too. <br />
<br />
So, I pull hard and quick. I rip the Band-Aid off, and with it some of my fears and trepidation. I look down and notice that the wound is almost completely gone now. It is time to try again… Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904875186058821692.post-64334160670204227212013-10-12T20:55:00.000-07:002013-10-12T20:59:43.567-07:00In the 4th grade...<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You know what is great about the 4th grade? </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
In the 4th grade, you just look at a person, and see a person. </p>
<P><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I arrived to read to my daughter's 4th grade class. As I walked in, I felt the gazes upon me and saw my daughter perk up and smile. I smiled at the class and said hello. That's when I heard:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Woooow! Natalie looks JUST like her mom." (Then, echoes of agreements around the room.) </span></blockquote>
<p><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I felt instantly flattered, looking at my beautiful daughter who always wears a smile and has one of the most loving and cuddly personalities of anyone I have ever known. </span></p>
<P><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Simultaneously, there was a twinge of wonder...did this bother my daughter? </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I remember that during my teen years, I didn't like being compared to my mom. </span></p>
<P><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It is inevitable as her tween years are rapidly approaching--my daughter will also want to be her own person and will push away this kind of comment as she fights for her own independence. I am prepared for this time with my girl, but I am not looking forward to it. </span></p>
<P><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I smiled and casually looked over at my sweet girl to see her reaction. And, she was beaming right back at me, apparently just as happy to hear the comment as I was. And my heart swelled a bit with the happy at that, I'll admit it.</span></p>
<P><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I guess, in the 4th grade, you don't notice the extra few pounds your mom wishes weren't there. Or the wrinkles starting to crop up on her face. Or the hair that badly needs a cut and highlight. Or all the other things she often sees when she looks all too critically in the mirror each morning, as she realizes that time and her life is flying by entirely too quickly. </span></p>
<P><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the 4th grade, you only see the smile lines that you have too.</span></p>
<P><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You see the same grin and same eyes. And, it makes you happy. Because that's your mom. That's your family. And, that's you. </span></p>
<P><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the 4th grade, you see her, and you see yourself. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904875186058821692.post-47860450370312314162013-06-18T14:06:00.000-07:002013-06-18T14:06:51.301-07:00Hmm squared<div class="MsoNormal">
Apparently, this is a day when Huey Lewis and Simple Minds
make me happy inside. Who knew?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Do you know what does NOT make me happy inside? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The fact that I don’t have a clue what I’m doing when it
comes to dating. I mean, seriously! I have no business being single and dating.
None! While I personally think I'm all cool and so solidly a great catch--I have this feeling that really I’m a walking nightmare for all those who witness it (or, God forbid, have to
interact with me in a romantic way).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Case in point--the newest guy that I was so certain was going to be that great dating experience? <br />
Well, he turned out to have a
zip-off head that reveals a douchy jerkface underneath whenever he decided to
tug on the zipper pull. Unfortunately for me, he decided to pull a little too
often for my patience level, so that potential door closed rather abruptly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah...buh-bye to you, waste of a month-and-a-half that I can't get back.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then, there’s the lurking online guy friend who took to calling me
sweetheart, and checked on my every evening—consistently asking if I got to
relax, sharing how much he enjoys my sense of humor, and so forth. Apparently,
that enjoyment was not enough to extend any sort of social encounter, even on a
friend level. What is UP with that, lurky?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then, up pops a new date option! And through my online dating profile? Well, this IS a surprise!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Someone who has manners and
actually ASKS me out. Acts interested in seeing me. Gasp! Sarcastically
wonderful and witty texting and emailing ensues! A quick date invite is made! And,
we meet and…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>yeah</i>…zero attraction for me there. Apparently, I do have
some superficial limits to my date qualifications, mostly dealing with proper
dental care. But, I get a lot of positive comments from this one, and I am certain
he is super interested in me. I confide in a few that I don’t know how to tell
him I feel no attraction when he calls for that second date. And…then...no
contact is made for a second date at all. Hmm squared.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, I give up on you, MANkind! I have a lot of good books to
read this summer, and a new gym membership to break in. I think I’ll just go
ahead and cross the summer off and stop letting this drain my energy. Send
available men my way maybe come September. No, make that October. September is
apparently my break-up month, whereby I decide that the relationship isn’t
close enough to make it through the holidays so I end it then. Yep…I’m 0 for 2
in September.<o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904875186058821692.post-67214352956772168912013-05-14T14:00:00.001-07:002013-05-14T14:00:11.801-07:00Off the tracks again....<br />
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<span style="font-size: 10pt;">It's a hard to explain, when your mind continues to whirl around things to the point that you can't stop it. I've come to understand this as an anxiety issue that I have. One that seems to have a thread of genetics behind it, but manifests itself differently among it's victims in my family. My sister realized she had an issue when she realized she impulsively counts things and keeps records in her head. (Medication.) When my son misses his anxiety meds, he does not sleep. And, I do mean, he DOES NOT SLEEP AT ALL. This translates into me not sleeping, which results in Extremely Grumpy Mom Syndrome--a condition for which no one should bare witness. </span></div>
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And my anxiety manifestation? Well, my mind goes all over the place: </div>
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<li>Posting jokes and comments on social media. </li>
<li>Recanting songs in my head. </li>
<li>Looking up song lyrics and meanings online. </li>
<li>Deciding what I am going to make for dinner for the next week. </li>
<li>Wondering if the third date with the seemingly perfect new guy will reveal any warts. </li>
<li>Wondering what this friend up to. </li>
<li>Considering if I should email this other friend. </li>
<li>Thinking I should probably do some work. </li>
<li>Wondering what's on TV.</li>
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Each individual thought isn't that odd, really. But, when you cram those into a 5-minute period? Well, after awhile you start realizing that you have a problem.</div>
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I am on too much other medication for health issues that trump this one, to take ANY MORE MEDICATION. So, I long ago decided that this is an issue that I must manage. Dropping my blog writing seems to be a bad thing, as rambling on the internet is a convenient vehicle for my anxiety train when it leaps the track. So, I'm back to ramble, lucky readers. Toot! Toot!</div>
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Sometimes my anxiety comes in a wave of fixating on some really random and meaningless piece of crap. I try to hide this a lot of the time. You know, so people aren't able to immediately jump to the conclusion that I'm completely nuts? But, there are times when the fixating sort of "leaks" out where others can see it.</div>
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Such was the case recently at a conference for my profession. I didn't even realize I'd been doing it again, until a fairly new work acquaintance that I'd hit it off with bluntly told me, "Look if you don't go and get a glass of wine from that bar soon, I'm going to need one myself." I looked at her quizzically, and she informed me that I'd been talking about getting wine almost nonstop for the past hour.</div>
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Really? I thought. You mean, that conversation wasn't just in my head?<span style="font-size: 10pt;"> Embarrassed, I laughed and made a typical self-deprecating joke, and immediately bee-lined for the ATM to get cash for the wine bar. I got my wine. And then I had another. </span></div>
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Sometimes anxiety fixations can come in handy, especially when I have bursts of determination to do something, such as putting my daughter's broken bed frame back together again. After a year in my garage, I had it back together in a few hours and was feeling like the king of the world. And my daughter celebrated with me. Way to go, Mom! What she did not realize is that had we been in the path of a deadly tornado during those few hours? I am not certain I'd have been unable to stop working on the bed frame and take cover. </div>
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I can work the hell out of a puzzle when I'm in these modes. And, that's the darn truth.</div>
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I share this for no other reason than to unload some anxiety that apparently was in there, percolating away. You are quite welcome.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904875186058821692.post-58306671113671703112013-04-22T09:19:00.001-07:002013-04-22T09:19:19.172-07:00This is my place<br />
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It's been bubbling up again. The need to write. I've known it for some time. So, I've started reading blogs again, finding that kinship with fellow writers. </div>
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I'd forgotten how reading <a href="http://www.elliequent.com/2013/04/five-years-on.html?utm_source=feedly&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+elliequent%2FQfeA+(elliequent)">someone else's words</a> can bring such comfort. It makes one realize that many of us walk a similar path to one another, and the world seems a little less lonely.</div>
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I'm finding myself being reminded lately, that life moves and mends itself along the way. Ironically, my life stayed unchanged for so long, when it needed to have change so desperately. After the divorce, life seemed to never stop changing--in both good ways and bad: </div>
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<li>Finding my way back to my career and establishing/earning work confidence again. </li>
<li>Learning how to be alone and how to let go of my kids when they are with their father. </li>
<li>Helping others struggling through the pain of divorce and finding great meaning in that for my own growth.</li>
<li>Finding confidence in dating and meeting people online and understanding developing patience in that strange process.</li>
<li>Taking the time to enjoy things I never did before, like a long stretch when you first wake in the morning, the sound of birds chirping in my backyard as I sip my morning coffee, finding connection with people in new and interesting ways.</li>
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Yes, I'm settling out again now--realizing that God has a plan for me that will be revealed in His due time. And, trying to learn from my experiences--to just breathe and take in the place in which I find myself this week.</div>
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Watching my children grow and change with every breath and trying to celebrate that, rather than mourn the ever-loving speed at which it seems to happen. </div>
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This is my current state. </div>
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It certainly took some time for me to get back here again.</div>
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Mostly, I'm grateful for every single moment and person that has taken me to this place.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904875186058821692.post-674245843173540362013-04-20T08:24:00.001-07:002013-04-20T08:29:32.966-07:00Online dating in your 40s? "Uhh....merp!"One of the great things about coming to the place that I am with my "singleness," almost three years post divorce, is that I've figured out that I am actually content and happy with my life just as it is. Along with this realization, comes a calmness that I have not yet felt before. Honestly, I haven't felt that calm feeling most of my adult life, if I were to think about it. <br />
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When you're busy having your children, you're too tired to self-reflect or feel anything other than exhausted and blissful at times, and overwhelmed at others. Watching a 20-year relationship crumble over the course of a few years and owning that failure also makes it impossible to reach calm contentment.<br />
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But, at long last, I am here. Life is pretty good. I can spend my weekends completely alone, and not fall into "the lonely funk." With that said, I also often fill my kid-free time with friends and fun, and that's great too. <br />
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So, it seemed really the ideal time to jump back into trying to date. My last relationship had ended about six months prior, and I took the time to just "be" for awhile. I truly did not want to date over that time at all. And, now, suddenly, I realized that I was ready to get back out there.<br />
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Diving into a free online dating site was necessary, because I was trying to keep focus on the financial strides that I've made in learning how to budget for myself. And, I'd had many friends try one particular site with fairly good luck. So, why not? Right?<br />
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What I have learned from this past month is that free online dating sites are a wacky, weird place. Scary at times even. And, you have to be smart, as a woman out there. Online dating "street" smarts develop quickly, fortunately.<br />
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My first batch of online messages that came in on the site were peppered with the cheesy lines that I expected. "Hey, sexy thang..." and "Your eyes speak to me" were among the eye roll inducing messages that I got, and to which I never replied. I am sorry, but I am not interested in a quick hookup, and the fastest way to make me delete your messages is with a cheesy line. Right now, my favorite profile summary line that I've seen simply contained the word, "Merp." <br />
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Yes, "merp" summarizes online dating and meeting people blindly for me. It's very "merpish." (Go look it up on Urban Dictionary if you aren't up on this term.) <br />
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But, what I did not expect from the early messages were the large percentage of ones from very young men--some of which looked not much older than my own 13-year-old son. Some tried to fake being older, with profiles saying they were 38, when clearly they were maybe 22 at best. Others were very direct with their requests,"I'm into older women. Do you like younger guys?" At first, it was funny. After getting a huge amount of these, I actually became somewhat disturbed.<br />
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So, there was that eye-opening bit of loveliness. As a mother of a teen son, I am now educated about this world and I can have a very frank discussion with my son about what NOT to do online.<br />
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But, also? Having dated someone seven years younger than me right after divorce, I learned some things about about younger men and have some certainty that, for the most part, I am not interested in going that much younger than 40 for a potential date/future partner. Falling for someone who doesn't yet know who they are or where they want to be in life, can be a painful experience, when you are are in a different place in your life.<br />
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But, what do the 40s bring to the table in terms of potential dates?<br />
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Well, it turns out they bring a whole lot of baggage. Baggage of every shape and size, in every possible pattern and color. Pardon my crassness when I say, holy HELL, is dating in the 40s complicated!<br />
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First, there are the flakes.. I have had more great conversations with guys over the dating site, to then have them just disappear randomly. Guys make a great joke or tell you how great you are, then just completely vanish. After speaking with a single guy friend of mine, I know that this phenomenon isn't just a man thing. Women are equally flaky and do the same thing, apparently.<br />
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I have to wonder if there is a bit of the "Seinfeld syndrome" going on out there, in single and 40's dating-land. I was huge fan of this show, but now that I am single, I almost think buying the box set and going back and watching each episode would be very eye-opening with my new perspective on life as a single. One thing that I do remember was that the characters on this show were all single, and each seemed to find something wrong with every person they tried to date.<br />
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I have to watch my own self with this as well: <br />
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"Well, he seems nice, but he keeps misspelling 'too' and 'to.' Can I, as a writer, really date this person?" <br />
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"Seriously, he has a bathroom mirror smart phone photo on his profile? I can't work with that."<br />
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"Shirtless photo? Um, no." (Same for the Ed Hardy tee, dude.)</blockquote>
I really am not that critical of a person, and I have said these things. But, the problem with online dating is that you are bombarded with a ton of profiles. How else do you single out the ones you are interested in, if you do not become somewhat critical and choosy?"<br />
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I have also learned the importance of a phone call before you meet someone. However, you have to hold off on giving out your number too soon as well, to weed out the "playas." In fact, one of my errands today will be to buy a cheap prepaid phone, to avoid that whole dilemma in the future.<br />
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The worst part of it all, is never knowing if you're playing the online dating game with the right set of rules. There are so many different opinions out there. Case in point:<br />
<ul>
<li>Women should play hard to get, as men like a challenge and you will weed out the time wasters if you do. After all, if he really likes you, he will pursue you. </li>
<li>You need to be approachable, because men can't tell if you are interested otherwise. Be friendly and interested, always. Remember you are competing with some really desperate/man-chasing types, so you have to give the guy SOME hint that you are interested.</li>
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As someone who never dated much during my younger life, all of this can make my brain bubble. I am only certain of one thing--that I have NO FREAKING CLUE what I am doing out there.<br />
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I have other stories that I could tell on this online dating experience, and I probably will share more soon. But, for now, I can say that my heart does go out to anyone who finds themselves older, single, and trying to "mingle." Because it is a weird world out there. <br />
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I realized that, the best I can hope for, is to rely on my solid gut instinct and hope that God continues to watch over me as I commute on the online dating freeways. There are bound to be some jams and frustrating detours along the way. Some times where I just laugh at the absurdity of it all. Most of all, I have to focus on the thankfulness that I feel to be in a place emotionally where I can now roll with things and see where they take me--without fear of ending up stranded in a ditch and down. <br />
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So, bring it, single guys. Let me see that baggage and see if it mixes with my own!<br />
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To be continued...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904875186058821692.post-54611393483001479502013-01-15T11:39:00.000-08:002013-01-15T14:32:48.065-08:00Just enough to get through...<br />
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I awoke with a start from a very solid dead man's kind of sleep. It was the type of waking where you realize you've just heard something significant and it jars you to an upright position right then and there. <span style="font-size: 10pt;">I swear, I'd distinctly heard my son calling "Mom! Mom!" Thirteen years of being someone's mother and you recognize these things.</span></div>
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There was one problem with this. My son was not at my home. He was at his father's with his sister for their 5-day stint as part of our split-custody arrangement.</div>
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I instantly felt the familiar and strong pangs of a mother who misses her children. I really thought that this would get easier by now. </div>
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It has not.</div>
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After a quick search for the noise source, I determined it was not the cat, who seemed highly annoyed that I'd awoken him from his peaceful sleep curled up in my closet on some dirty laundry. "Well, excuse me," I thought, as I was even more confused by the noise for which I could clearly find no explanation. </div>
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I wanted to call to their Dad's house, but my son has lost his cell phone and his father believes we shouldn't contact the kids while at each other's homes unless it is urgent. I have respected this to try and keep the peace.</div>
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But, I was fully awake then--thinking about how much this transition has both lifted and weighed on me, changing who I am so significantly. </div>
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While I had never regretted or questioned our decision to divorce, the fact of the matter is that I will never get used to not seeing my children every single day. I don't know that I understand mothers who can walk away from their children without batting an eye. Truly. I strive to not be a judgmental person, but that is one action of which I find myself unable to put the shoe on the other foot.</div>
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I wonder if my ex-husband feels the difference? Anytime I have confided in him that this is hard and I miss them, he immediately comes back with the "of course, he does too" comments. He has gone from working full-time and seeing the children in the evenings and weekends, to our five-day-on/five-day-off. But, he quickly managed to squeeze in a second marriage and wife less than a year after our divorce was final. So, his attentions immediately found a place on which to fall without any significant time during which to linger. </div>
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While I haven't been dateless, most of my time I have spent alone--meditating, thinking, realizing, growing, sometimes crying, finding contentment, and hopefully learning what must be learned from our failure. Of course, this is all my skewed perspective, I realize. I am sure he misses them too.</div>
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I feel bad for saying it, but there are times I selfishly pray that he'll get consumed with his new wife so much that he agrees to change our custody to something different. Because it feels like a part of me has been ripped away. I don't know how to heal this. Clearly, I know my children need both of us, and I know the decision we made was best for them. But, it doesn't mean I have to like it or that it will get easier for me. And, maybe it isn't supposed to, actually.</div>
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While getting ready, I missed a call on my phone. Noticing the voice mail notification, I quickly logged on. The number was one I didn't recognize and the message was clearly an accidental dial. What played back was the sound of my ex-husband and his new wife. Her flatly telling the kids to get this and that together for school. Him explaining to her his plans for the day. </div>
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That's when I heard it. </div>
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The giggle. </div>
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I listened as my daughter's unmistakable giggle continued and I heard her talking to her step mother's cat. She loves animals so much. My daughter walks around cuddling the world around her whenever possible, and I feel so lucky to be one of her recipients. I continued to listen to her little voice playing with the cat, then heard my son come and talk to her and laugh with her. </div>
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Honestly, it was felt like medicine for my aching heart, hearing their little voices. That's the only way I can describe it.</div>
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Sometimes God brings us little miracles. In all of the mess that was my past few years, I have learned to cling to those small gems as they come along. I recognize that they are few and far between, but they are there to help us get through. I believe that with all of my heart. </div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904875186058821692.post-62418775138642110232012-12-17T12:38:00.000-08:002012-12-17T12:42:09.733-08:00The end of this one rocks, at least...<br />
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In re-reading my previous post, I realized how completely "boo hoo...whoa is me" the first half of it sounds. In reality, I guess that is a good representation of the thought process I go through--first feeling overwhelmed or injured by things, and then rationalizing and realizing that I do have a very blessed and wonderful life. So, I hope that is not misunderstood by my whole 2.5 readers (or less) that still read this blog.</div>
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After purging all of that whining, something kind of good happened--even if it is with regards to something very negative--talking to our youngest about the shootings. I had a quick impromptu call this morning from my ex and he was wanting to update me on what he'd told her, which basically was...you may hear some things at school and do not worry. We will talk about them at home tonight. We both had been on the fence with talking to our third grader about it. Do you sacrifice your child's security and cause them mental anguish, when as parents we are supposed to make our younger children feel safe and loved?</div>
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So, What is so amazing in all of this? With as many differences and as much tension that has developed in what started out to be such an amicable split between us, my ex vented the exact same frustrations I have had and had the same opinion that I did in how and if this should be relayed to our kids and to what level.</div>
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I texted him later and told him that despite everything lately, it gives me great comfort in knowing that when it comes to our kids we remain completely in line with one another. We still share the same beliefs in how to handle something as delicate as talking about these shootings. This aspect of our marriage was always something that was a huge positive.</div>
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It was the one shining moment of connection I have felt with him in the past year. And, that was enough for me to know that we will be OK. We will calm down again. We are still the same people in some ways as when we were married, even if in other ways we've grown and changed immensely in others.</div>
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So, there is that silver lining in the midst of all of this mess and chaos. </div>
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And, here is another positive...</div>
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I just found the PERFECT white elephant gift for my company exchange tomorrow....</div>
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The PEZ "Kiss" gift set. ROCK ON, PEEPS!!!</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904875186058821692.post-86688695876976825622012-12-16T14:57:00.000-08:002012-12-16T14:57:41.623-08:00Down the road I go...<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">She accidentally called me by her name the other day. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">My daughter was trying to tell me something, and called me by her step-mother’s name on accident. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">She immediately corrected herself and explained why she made the mistake. And, I smiled and said without missing a beat, “No big deal. What was your story?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But, inside, I cringed. I’ll admit it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Only a few weeks before, she’d described how she has a new friend who is like her—“She has two moms too, actually.” She’d said. And, I’d thought to myself…but she’s not your Mom. I am! It sounds so selfish as I write this. But, this is what went through my head.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">After the tragedy in Connecticut, like most parents, every fiber of my being wanted to hold my children. My children were with my ex-husband and his new wife this weekend. And, when texted a few times to check on them, the ex acted unsurprisingly annoyed. That’s how he acts now—like he must tolerate my existence. I am the thorn in his side, and what did I want again?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">After picking up and taking my son to confirmation class this morning, I asked him how his trip with his Dad to put together bikes for kids in need went this weekend. I knew this was a new tradition my kids’ father had started a few years ago, and I supported it wholeheartedly. My son said, “It was really great, Mom. The <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">whole</i> family was there.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I quietly mumbled, “Well, not the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">whole</i> family.” I knew I should not have said those words aloud. I really didn’t even know they were coming out of my mouth until I did. </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I truly have to learn to keep those thoughts only in my head. And, I look forward to a day when I don't even have those thoughts anymore.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The past few years have taught me so much. I’ve learned about what real friendships look like and, how a great majority of the time people may not be there for you in the way you expect or need. I have chosen to let go of the bitterness of that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ve let go of the hurt feeling of being so quickly and easily replaced with my former family. I own the fact that, after years of counseling and trying, I was a part of the decision to end the marriage. I grieve for that, even though I hold no regrets and actually have new understanding of why that was necessary and justified.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I hold tight to the hope that I mean something to my children, but I also realistically know that there is a new mother figure in their life as well. I told them that it just means there is more love for them in the end. In my heart, I did believe it when I said it, but that doesn’t mean there is not a parallel fear that runs through me of losing the two things that mean the most to me in the world.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This past few years, I’ve lost a lot. Financial security. Half of my family. For a time, even my parents were not there. The comfort of tradition. A great chunk of my friendships (which were not friendships at all, I've realized.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I could sit here and focus on that. The loss. There are rare occasions when I let myself feel it. I have a good cry, and I move on. And, I did that some this week, I’ll admit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But, I have gained so much in the past few years too. I’ve grown in my faith with God. I’ve learned that I can and will make it on my own. I’ve learned that I don’t need someone else to complete me, but I’d also like very much to find a companion one day. I know now though, that if that is not what God has in mind for me, that I can still be happy. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have learned to count my blessings and to focus on the positive. I have learned to recognize and appreciate my very blessed life, and pray for those less fortunate, because they are all around me. I have learned to let go of hurt and anger. I can now sit in a completely quiet home and have peace inside. Good friends who have watched me on this ride say that I seem much calmer in general now-content even. It is an accurate assessment, I think.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We do not always know or understand the road we find ourselves upon. I never saw myself as ever being divorced. I never thought I would be starting over at 40-years-old…that I would face a feeling that I could lose everything that matters most to me. I hug my kids tighter now. I tell them I love them multiple times a day. I never let them question how much they mean to me. I do all of this, not for the return hug or the hope that they love me too. Of course, I want that always. But, I do this because I feel it and they need to know they are important and meaningful to me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">In such a week when so much has been lost and we are having our faith so strongly tested, I have to trust that the road God has put my feet upon is the road I am destined to walk. I have to let my feet shuffle and stumble, when the path gets worn and rocky. I have to pick myself back up when I fall and keep looking ahead. I look off onto the horizon and know that the sun still sets in the same place and rises every morning in the same way. And, I know inside that many blessings lie ahead of me, once I have learned the lessons of today. And more lessons are to be learned along the way. Most of all, I know that my life has a purpose and a meaning, even when that meaning isn’t obvious to me. God has a plan for me. I just have to keep walking down this road…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904875186058821692.post-10140822890088408612012-11-29T14:56:00.002-08:002012-11-29T14:56:16.048-08:00Getting back to it...It has been about two and a half years since the end of my marriage and a relationship that lasted 20 years and through the birth of two children. In the shakeout of that divorce, which was as much my decision as his, I have changed in many ways. I have had two relationships since, one more serious, and another that was quickly and easily recognized as being destined to fail.<br />
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I've grown, changed, learned to be alone, and that it is OK to be lonely too. I have learned that my world does not end if my house is devoid of little bodies running around and the normal business that I am used to with having two kids. I have learned to live a week without seeing or talking to my children, though I still struggle with it. I can be content without a partner. The fear of that has now dissolved.<br />
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So much has happened, that I could have written my way through several books by now. And, yet, for around three years now, I have found myself unable to enjoy two of my greatest passions--scrapbooking and writing. And, yet, without these two outlets in my life, life has moved on. But, I have felt urges so often to go back to my writing life. I have missed my careful crafting of photos of my family and friends as well.<br />
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I don't know how to start back to this. I don't know how to bring the words back and have them flow in the same way they used to flow. Maybe they just can't flow anymore.<br />
<br />Through all of it, I still lean on my words. I still need to write out when I struggle or when I realize something about myself. I just have lost some of the will to share that publicly, I suppose. When the spotlight comes on you as you go through a divorce, and you feel the stares, you want to sometimes retreat and save your words for only yourself. Because, in some ways you learn that when it counts, you need to lean on God and yourself only, because you cannot always depend on others to lift you up.<br />
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I do miss writing and sharing though. I read a great blog post and I think, wow...I miss that community of women writers of which I used to feel so much camaraderie.<br />
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So, I will write here when I can. When I think of it and when words do come. And, maybe one day I will get back to my writing and my scrapbooking. And, if I do? Oh, man...am I going to have a LOT to say!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904875186058821692.post-62516019038402937182012-10-29T06:14:00.000-07:002012-12-19T11:37:08.059-08:00If You Give a Louse a Cookie...<br />
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At just almost the stroke of midnight, my daughter threw up and then shouted my name, waking me from what must have been a dream about Gerard Butler showing up on my doorstep and vowing his undying devotion. </div>
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It’s now 12:46 a.m., and I have the choice of lying awake and listening to her stomach gurgle next to me (yes, she needed to get in my bed), wondering when the next episode will begin, or I can get up and do something. I have so many different thoughts whirling in my brain tonight, I might as well blow the dust off of this old blog and try to do that crazy thing called writing again. I hope I can remember how this all works…<o:p></o:p></div>
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So, the 40s, apparently, are all about figuring out your own shit. I know I have heard this before, but I really didn’t buy into it. But, I am here to say that maybe there is something to it after all. Because the past six months have been jam-packed with the most random-yet-profound realizations about myself. Blog gold, I tell you!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Tonight, hours before the up-chuck heard 'round the world, my daughter and I went to a skating party with her girls' organization that sells boxed bits of sweetness, whose members wear brown patchy vests. You know the one, right? </div>
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At the rink , I bought our tickets and walked in, ready to strap on my wheels and get down to a little One Direction action, when I bumped into a few moms that I knew. Each had the awkward glance at my ticket, followed by the same question for me, “Uh, are YOU skating too?” <o:p></o:p></div>
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I felt like dorky at this point to admit it. But, it had never occurred to me NOT to skate with my daughter. A few told me that they didn’t trust themselves to not break their neck out there. Another told me that her daughter had emphatically forbidden her to go near the skates at all. I guess I considered myself lucky that mine hadn’t acted this way at all—she was genuinely excited that I wanted to come and skate. And, so I did, until I felt like she'd transferred enjoying skating with her Mom to her pals more, and then I faded into the background like a good little Mom. <o:p></o:p></div>
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During this fading, I was approached by her leader, who also happens to be the closest person I have ever had to a nemesis in my life. I am not one to make many enemies or have volatile relationships often. I have a lot of general friends, and a very few close friends. When one of those closer connections falls by the wayside, I have always been the one mourning the loss and wondering what happened. After going through a divorce and the weird shake-out that happens with friends post-split, I have realized that I need to let go and appreciate the friendships I still have and the people who chose to stay. The others are gone for a very good reason and I no longer worry or think about them...much.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But, back to the nemesis (let’s just call her Nemi, for short). This is a person who has actually wished me ill-will. A person who has bad-mouthed my children when they were younger, and then turned around and hugged them as they ran to her--so happy to see her. (I am not exaggerating here. I could write volumes on all that transpired. It got freaky weird, people. Trust me.) Years ago, when all of this came to light for me, I thought…wow. Evil. Evil and not someone I care to know at all. Buh...to the...bye.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But, proximity and the friendship of our kids seemed to keep throwing us back together. Now, almost a decade later, we are only in contact because of this one activity. This group happens to be a really lovely group of girls and equally lovely mothers involved. The only hitch is that Nemi is in charge of the group…which has always given me pause. I have several friends who know of all the things Nemi pulled years back, who marvel that I still have contact at all. But, my daughter truly loves the group.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Lately, I have noticed Nemi has being overly attentive and complimentary of both my daughter and myself. Each time, I have felt that nag of knowing something was coming down the pike. Then, she chose that moment at the skate rink, while I was sitting alone, to make her intentions known. She asked me to be in charge of the most significant activity a group of girls in brown vests participates in for this organization. The one that everyone knows about, because everyone has a box or two of those thin things hidden in their freezer for late night noshing and moments of extreme PMS when nothing else will do? The one that runs from now until next Spring and involves hours and hours of work?<o:p></o:p></div>
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Yes, I got the fully recruitment pitch…the girls would not be able to do it if I did not take it on, and why she absolutely can NOT do it. Yadda, yadda. Even when I mentioned that I work fulltime, she came back with that all the moms do in our group do now…and that was a lot of the issue. But, I knew the job from having been popcorn mom for my son's troop for three years, etc... </div>
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Unbelievably, as I sat there, I actually started considering taking the job. I thought about my daughter and her friends not getting their patches this year, and how much they’d be disappointed. I almost let Nemi talk me into it. I even told her that I would think about it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Flash forward this evening and a late night call with my mother once the kids were tucked in. I told her about the conversation and she laughed. “Well, you’re not <i>doing</i> it are you? I mean, you can’t <i>seriously</i> consider taking this on too, can you? Not for <i>that </i>woman!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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Moments before this, my mom and I had chatted about a few of the more narcissistic family members in our clan. She’d commented that she guessed being the complete opposite of self-absorbed can be a problem too…then kind of paused. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I knew why she was pausing. </div>
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She had just described me. At least, the old me. OK, maybe still me. After all, I had taken on volunteer duties with my professional group after swearing that I was going to take a break from years of service to the group. <em>Just this one event, I thought to myself.</em> And, just that very day, I’d volunteered to co-teach a class in my church the next fall, helping others through divorce.<o:p></o:p></div>
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However, each of <i>those</i> things, I’d willingly wanted to do. The short volunteer commitment to my organization was a great way to cap off years of service and a fun event to plan. The church thing was something I’d been praying on for weeks, and I truly felt God was calling me to help with this ministry.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But, after actually considering if I could take on even part of the task to head up this major fundraiser for my daughter’s group? All because someone who had done nothing but be vicious and gossip about my family for years, was asking me? And, tell me again why I hadn’t laughed in this woman’s face? What in the heck is wrong with me, I wondered!<o:p></o:p></div>
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There are times when you realize things about yourself that change you forever. This was one of those times. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I seriously needed to give UP this “over-giver” side of me and fast. I was getting way too old for this sort of ca-ca-doody. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I realized that, while I wanted to help my daughter and that some level of guilt over the divorce still hung over me, taking this on would only be taking time away from my children. I only have my kids for half of each week as it is, due to split custody. And I would only be helping out the ONE person who had been openly and unapologetically cruel to my family.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So, as I lay awake this evening, trying to go back to sleep while listening to the gurgle of my daughters sick tummy, I instead began to compose my email to Nemi declining the request to take on the job.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I’ll admit, my brainstorming emails were way better than the one I will send simply saying, “I have so little time with my kids as it is, and I just can’t take on another job. Sorry. And, I hope that you find someone.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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No, the message that I send will not include the phrases, “Listen here, you manipulative and conniving gossip-monger. You will NOT use me for this. You will not play upon divorce guilt to talk me into doing something for you that you will later use against me somehow because you have no life and you are a pathetic excuse for a person!” I will also not include the phrases, “You have a lot of kahones, Nemi,” or “Give me a f-ing break! I hope you choke on all the PB patties.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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But, it sure was fun to think about it. Strangely enough, my friends, that is how I wind myself down and back to sleep...</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904875186058821692.post-57227757426191781112012-08-12T13:18:00.001-07:002012-11-29T14:57:18.832-08:00Time for some home improvement...<br />
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It is funny how life observations and realizations can come
to a person at the most random of moments. Today, my moment formed as beads of
sweat gathered on my forehead and my arms grew weary from scraping away the old
caulk in my shower.<o:p></o:p></div>
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It dawned on me that relationships in your 40’s can be a lot
like home improvement projects. Take re-caulking, for example. A year ago, I caulked
my shower. It was the first time I’d ever tried to do it, and I was pretty
proud of myself with the end result. It wasn’t perfect, but it was better than
it was before and it felt good knowing that I took something in my new home, and
I made it better. A year of learning to manage my life and my children’s lives completely
on my own had not been easy, but like the shower, I was better that day than I
had been previously.<o:p></o:p></div>
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And, now I find myself a year later, taking off moldy remnants
of my previous work, cleaning out the gunk, and starting over. I shake my head
as the parallels to dating life come to mind.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Each time we try again, we find ourselves looking at things
anew. It’s like walking into your new home after signing on the dotted line. The
slate is clean, you feel a surge of optimism at the thought of this new place
and all the new possibilities. This excitement can be dangerous for the
hopeless romantic type, which I must admit that I am. You imagine the “what if’s”
entirely too far in advance. But, in some ways, that can be fun. It makes the
exploration all the more exciting as you enter those first few months of
getting to know that someone special and new.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But, over time, you see some of the cracks in the new person’s
makeup, like noticing the various flaws in the home you’ve just purchased. You
see scars from past relationships. You look to the person to decide, is it
going to be worth dealing with these things to see if this is the real thing? <o:p></o:p></div>
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And, by the same turn, they look to you. They begin to see some
of the less desirable things left from past hurt and relationship failures.
Like molds, those things can grow until they become a problem. You can let
those past life experiences take over, to the point that you can’t see this new
face before you. You only see the last face. The one who left you hurt and
changed. You feel unprepared to tackle what needs to be done to start again.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But, the hope that I hold on to, perhaps foolishly, is that
once you dive in and scrap away the residue from the past hurt, you find
something nice, something solid and worthy of your time and energy. You see the
person for what they are—human. Just as you are human. You throw your arms around them and love
them, hoping to clear away the past hurt and make way for something more
meaningful and new. You take that chance.<o:p></o:p></div>
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With every new try, you could just give up. You could leave
things as they are, and not try to find a way through it. You could just walk
away from the job entirely. Maybe it is not worth it to you at this point in
your life.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But, the there is another option. Sometimes you can look at
the person standing before you, and you can let all the past go. You can try to
re-caulk a line this time that will not leak or break away during life’s trials.
You can take what you’ve learned from the past, and instead of letting it
immobilize you, you can let it teach you how to build something stronger this
time. <o:p></o:p></div>
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You can try again. <o:p></o:p></div>
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And, again. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Each time you forgive yourself for your mistakes, and you
see yourself getting better at knowing what you need to do. Each time, you build
something stronger. One day, you hope it will be worth it. And you will look
into the person’s eyes and know, you came through all of this to get to this
place. This place that is so much better than any other place you have ever
been.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My morning was filled with disappointments and missteps.
And, so I threw myself into this work to try and forget. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I look at my shower….still a work in progress. Something
tells me that whether this go-round work out or not, I will be OK. I will be stronger.
I will learn something and know what to do better next time. And, most of all,
I know, that I will try again and again. Until I am to that right person and
that better place. Because, I refuse to give up on myself.<o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904875186058821692.post-63685420604467076652012-01-21T07:11:00.000-08:002012-11-29T14:57:56.790-08:00Unexpected reminders...It's funny how you can feel like you're past something so certainly. You can feel yourself moving on, and you give thanks for that. You even start to get excited about the possibility of the future. That's when you know you have grown and healed from the hurt of a love that was lost.<br />
<br />
Then, unexpectedly, one thing can hit you so squarely in the jaw that you find your mind spinning all over again as if it were the first day you knew it was over.<br />
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By the light of morning, I can reason it away. I can see that maybe it was God's way of showing me something that I can look forward to in the future. But, in the moment I read his letter, I felt devastated all over again.<br />
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My first love after divorce, may have been my truly first experience with that heart-racing thing that most think of as new love. It may sound sad to have not experienced this, because I was married for almost two decades to someone who cared for me deeply. But, it isn't that there wasn't love there. It just wasn't THIS kind of love.<br />
<br />
Things ended poorly with this one, unfortunately. In comparison, I am good friends with my ex-husband and we work daily to support our kids together. He is moving on and about to be remarried to the woman he began dating just weeks after I'd moved out. And, I am truly happy for him and have told him as much. No, this most recent love ended abruptly with hurt, mean words thrown back and forth like weapons leaving marks as they passed through us. I was left very jaded and confused as to whether this man ever really loved me at all.<br />
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Last night, I found a letter he wrote me and gave me the first time we met in person. You see, we met online and talked for months before we ever saw one another in person. And, it was a strange and amazing thing that happened there....the connection we had just from words on a phone, texts, and shared photos. I had forgotten about how powerful the connection had been--until I read that letter that had been tucked in the back of a nightstand in a plain white envelope for me to stumble across one day.<br />
<br />
The letter was an explanation of a CD he'd made me of love songs and songs that reminded him of me or that meant something powerful to him. Each song, introduced and explained in his amazing way. And, at the end, he spoke about this rare connection we had, and how excited he was about our future together. I could feel his happiness and anticipation in the words. A rush of what it was like came back to me, like a gust of wind that takes you by surprise on a fall day. <br />
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I took my breath in as I read the ending that I'd long since forgotten. He told me he loved me, even though he'd never laid eyes on me in person before. And, I remembered distinctly how it felt to read that--to feel so unconditionally loved for who I was as a human being. My marriage had not been like that. I'd spend most of our relationship feeling like my ex was never happy with who I was, always trying to change me into what he thought I should be. But, this had been different. I had been truly adored and loved for my heart and my mind, before a kiss had ever been placed on my lips by this dear man.<br />
<br />
I wish I could have felt last night what I feel this morning---the sentimental realization that maybe that feeling will come to me again in a new relationship. Maybe THAT relationship will last forever and I will be able to read a letter like that to him as we laugh and remember how we met.<br />
<br />
But, I didn't feel that way. I felt sucker-punched. I felt cheated and angry and confused all over again. I felt panicked about my future and wondered if I'd made a mistake by ending that relationship when the problems became bigger than the love. Today, I know that it was the right thing to do. Last night, I was desperate and heart-broken all over again, cursing myself for not putting the letter away with other memories I'd stored of our experience together.<br />
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This morning, when I awoke, I took in a ragged deep breath and realized that maybe I needed to find that letter right now. Maybe instead of leveling me, I should let it remind me of how it can be when you first fall in love. Maybe it is my reminder of what I deserve in a relationship, so that as I make my way through life as a single woman, I will be selective and not settle for less than knock-your-socks-off, simply amazing love...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904875186058821692.post-45261142804981521452011-12-25T06:56:00.000-08:002012-11-29T14:58:20.327-08:00Surviving ChristmasI planned it all ahead. Knowing my kids would be with their Dad, and I would not be able to go be with my family, I made sure I had lots going on this Christmas. <br />
<br />
I had a big project (cleaning out my closet), I had social invitations and plans (a massage, church, then dinner on Christmas Eve, movie/lunch plans Christmas Day), and I had back-up ideas (work, work on a presentation, more home projects). It was all very well thought out, down to the wine I made sure I had ready, just in case I needed it.<br />
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It really didn't matter. I could have booked every hour, every minute, and every second out. But, the second my mind went to them, I'd have the same feeling no matter what. I miss my children this Christmas. And, things don't seem right.<br />
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The wonderful thing is, I'm one neighborhood away from them, and their Dad has offered to let me come by briefly this morning so I can hug and kiss them and see what Santa brought.<br />
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It's not the same. I won't kid you.<br />
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Last night, when Santa came for my darlings, it was probably delivered by their Dad and his girfriend. I sat and drank wine and watched a movie and tried to not think about what I was missing. As my head hit the pillow, I let myself feel it for just a minute and I cried and prayed. I considered that I just did that once, and only for a few minutes, a huge accomplishment for the day.<br />
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This morning, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. I am not a morning person, but the past two days that I have had to sleep in, I have been up by 6 a.m. I'm not sure why. I guess my body feels something is off. Something is not right in the universe. Every bit of my being wants to be with them right now.<br />
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I know that I'm not the first person in the world to deal with this, and my situation is actually much better than a lot of divorced parents. Last night, I was thankful for what might seem like very small things to some people. A friend saved me a seat at church, so I didn't have to sit alone as I typically do. I met two friends for dinner after and we laughed and talked about our futures (we are all newly divorced). <br />
<br />
Then, I drove home and instantly noticed all the cars on my normally empty street. Families celebrating. Once home, my eyes went to my Christmas card pictures people had sent. I always set them out and enjoy them throughout December. Every single one of them was of a family this year. The whole family. Together. This would be the first year that I didn't spent Christmas with any family whatsoever. That was one thing I hadn't thought about, actually...<br />
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I have learned a lot this year. I have had validation that what happened in my marriage needed to happen--we were not good for one another and our kids have happier parents now. <br />
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I have learned what it is like to have someone adore you and how it feels to be swept-off-your-feet and giddy in love. I have learned how hard a break-up can be when your kids become attached and also when you have to recognize something that isn't good for you even if you want it to be.<br />
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I have learned how cruel a person can be when he/she is confused and angry. I learned that, at some point, things are over and you can't love things back to normalcy--even in friendships. <br />
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I have learned to sit in a quiet home and just be. I have learned how to sleep and sleep well at night for the first time since probably my early 20s. I have learned that once I give myself a break on working out and eating right, I eventually return to missing being fit and eating right and I start trying to live right again. <br />
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I've learned things balance themselves out. A good glass of wine can really help during difficult times, but more than one is definitely too much. That having a sweet kitty crawl on you as you veg on the couch can make your heart smile, especially when he purrs. You heart can break and you can never think it will heal, but slowly it does. <br />
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Most of all, I know that all of this was part of God's plan for me. I wish that made this easier, but I have to have faith that better days are ahead and that I will find true contentment and peace. For the most part, I am happier today than I was a year ago. And, I truly hope that next year I can say the same. <br />
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Surviving Christmas without your family will change you, even if you plan it out to a "t." But maybe, just maybe, it will change you in good ways that make you never take things for granted ever again. God bless you and yours this Christmas!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904875186058821692.post-77271096831815745292011-11-29T14:45:00.000-08:002012-11-29T14:59:34.223-08:00Pardon me, but I have to get this out.I know, I know. I have all but abandoned this blog. But, I think I need an outlet. So, here goes:<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">People are weird. These are my notes for the world today. There are things that I find kind of obvious, but apparently others do not:</span></div>
<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you organize a complex outing, please send out a coherent list of “things to bring” to attendees please—not a series of text-heavy rambling emails that people will have to disect like a science experiment to get the information needed. I mean, seriously!</span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If someone makes a joke, laugh. It’s OK to laugh in the workplace. REALLY. We all know you are still working. We're just trying to make work a little less...well worky.</span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Replying back to a text is common courtesy. It does not signify that you are madly infatuated and can’t live without someone. Really. Just answer the damn text. It’s not some kind of a test. Also? Get over yourself already...</span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you don't work, please recognize that some people do. I stayed home and worked out of my home for a decade and didn't forget this. Why do you? While I'm at it--PTO presidents and neighborhood association nazis who schedule their meetings mid-morning? Good luck finding volunteers for your events this year or getting elected again next year. KAZOWWWW! </span></div>
</li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And, I'm done...</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904875186058821692.post-44193719159420930002011-07-16T23:04:00.000-07:002012-11-29T14:58:34.147-08:00Two sets of eyesI went to a movie with the kids today. What movie really makes little difference to this post, but I'll say it was Mall Cop with animals--only not as funny in my book. I sat in the movie and was thinking that very thing: <em>This kid movie isn't boring, because I am not asleep right n</em><em>ow, but it is not that great either.</em><br />
<br />
And, then I felt two sets of eyes on me. Four eyes kept watching. When I smiled, I saw smiling eyes in my peripheral vision. As the movie went on, I felt the eyes move on to me several times, guardedly watching to see if I was enjoying the movie too. I sensed them hanging on to see if I smiled or laughed at the funny parts, and so I made sure that I did. Even if they weren't that funny. And, like clockwork, the four eyes would rotate back to the screen--almost as if synchronized.<br />
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I realized in that moment, that my happiness really does matter to my children. I put my arm around my youngest girl and a hand on my son's knee. I let my son lean his head on me and soaked in a wonderful moment of his pre-teen self letting go of being embarrassed of Mom long enough to show he loved me. And, my heart soaked it up like a great piece of bread soaks up the gravy--saving the feeling of that for the angst-ridden teen years ahead when I will need it most.<br />
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Later, on the drive home, my kids were playing an animated round of Texas Hold-Em in the back seat, completely enjoying the game with one another. So, I made a phone call to my boyfriend. The conversation turned to serious things, then a quick misunderstanding of words, and several more serious exchanges. During all of this, I became absorbed in the call and stopped paying attention to the card playing in the back.<br />
<br />
I didn't notice at all when they stopped playing and started listening. <br />
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Our phone conversation grew more tense. And, eventually, I managed to frustrate the heck out of my guy--a gift I seem to have a knack for that I wish I could somehow lose. I can say at this point we were in pre-argument or perhaps mini-argument mode.<br />
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That's when I felt the four eyes again. Watching. Listening quietly. Hanging on my words. I caught a few concerned looks in the rear-view mirror, their eyes quickly darting away as soon as they met my glance.<br />
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I got off the phone, but unfortunately I selfishly let my hurt and frustration continue to show on my face. I popped out of the car to grab the mail, and when I popped back in, my sweet girl was handing me a card she'd quickly made from a scrap of construction paper in the back seat and an old marker.<br />
<br />
"This is for you," she said sweetly. Distracted, I quickly opened it, my mind on other things. That's when the words jumped out at me:<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<em>"Mom, I love you. Thank you for all the nice things you do for us."</em></div>
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Again, I felt two sets of eyes watching my expression. My son added, <br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<em>"We really had fun today, Mom."</em></div>
<br />
Today, more than ever, I realized two very important things. <br />
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First, that my happiness does really matter to my kids and it can directly affect their happiness. All the years I had growing up in a home with a mother who was chronically depressed and anxious, came flooding back. The way I somehow subconsciously felt that my own mother's happiness relied upon my own worth and accomplishments. How could I lose sight of this very important thing? The very thing, in fact, that helped me made my final decision to divorce just under a year ago. <br />
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And, secondly, that no matter how I like to think that my children do not notice when my mood dips, they really do. And, they really need to know that their Mom is OK right now, after all that we've been through. <br />
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I am left tonight with a feeling of such completely gratitude for my loving children, coupled with a serious determination to not let those two sets of eyes show worry for me like that, as much as I can help it, in the months and years to come.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0