Buying into the idea that life begins all over again at forty...

Buying into the idea that life begins all over again at forty...

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Getting back to it...

It has been about two and a half years since the end of my marriage and a relationship that lasted 20 years and through the birth of two children. In the shakeout of that divorce, which was as much my decision as his, I have changed in many ways. I have had two relationships since, one more serious, and another that was quickly and easily recognized as being destined to fail.

I've grown, changed, learned to be alone, and that it is OK to be lonely too. I have learned that my world does not end if my house is devoid of little bodies running around and the normal business that I am used to with having two kids. I have learned to live a week without seeing or talking to my children, though I still struggle with it. I can be content without a partner. The fear of that has now dissolved.

So much has happened, that I could have written my way through several books by now. And, yet, for around three years now, I have found myself unable to enjoy two of my greatest passions--scrapbooking and writing. And, yet, without these two outlets in my life, life has moved on. But, I have felt urges so often to go back to my writing life. I have missed my careful crafting of photos of my family and friends as well.

I don't know how to start back to this. I don't know how to bring the words back and have them flow in the same way they used to flow. Maybe they just can't flow anymore.

Through all of it, I still lean on my words. I still need to write out when I struggle or when I realize something about myself. I just have lost some of the will to share that publicly, I suppose. When the spotlight comes on you as you go through a divorce, and you feel the stares, you want to sometimes retreat and save your words for only yourself. Because, in some ways you learn that when it counts, you need to lean on God and yourself only, because you cannot always depend on others to lift you up.

I do miss writing and sharing though. I read a great blog post and I think, wow...I miss that community of women writers of which I used to feel so much camaraderie.

So, I will write here when I can. When I think of it and when words do come. And, maybe one day I will get back to my writing and my scrapbooking. And, if I do? Oh, I going to have a LOT to say!

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