It’s inevitable. I have friends who hate the new year, because they say resolutions are fake or that people never live up to them. So, why bother?
I have always liked January because it is the one time of year when everyone is trying to do better…to BE better. And, what is so bad about that?
Looking into the new year as a single person of almost four years now is a different experience. While I have my weight loss/fitness goals and other little hopes and plans for myself similar to everyone else’s, there is an elephant in the room that I must acknowledge.
It is time to get back out there…dating-wise. Sigh.
After a rather upsetting dating experience with what was probably a bi-polar man, I had taken myself off the online dating market for a good six months. It wasn’t that I was giving up on meeting someone. But, blindly meeting someone online requires you to put a lot of faith and hope that the person is actually a good person. This is a scary thing, for which I have never grown accustom. Does anyone? And, after having an experience with someone that I thought was a good guy, only to have him flip on several occasions into NOT a good guy, made me realize that I was playing Russian roulette with my life, quite honestly.
Sure, I know several really good guy friends who have dated online with pure intentions. So, I know the right ones are out there. But, here was a prime example of a very messed up individual who I let get close to me, that I should not have. I did not trust my judgment anymore, and I needed to go into “lock down” mode for a bit.
You see, I am not in a hurry to settle down.
I am not desperate to find someone.
I have watched a few friends frantically out there dating as if there’s some expiration date on their ability to find an eligible male. I have let their attitudes make me feel rushed in the past. So, I think I just needed to put on the emergency brake while I regrouped and spent time growing and learning about myself some more. And, that’s just what I did.
That brings me to January 2014.
Not where I want to be in terms of my fitness/health. But, in a better place emotionally than I have ever been in my life. I am stronger in my faith than ever. I know who I am and what I want, more closely than ever. I am emotionally off of the rollercoaster that was overcoming divorce and healing, and I have been for some time now. In fact, I now teach a class to help people recovering from divorce. And, I have found a lot of comfort and hope in helping others in this way.
As I sat with one of my favorite male friends at dinner the other night, we both marveled…we are fabulous and single. We are both awesome, so why are we not snatched up? The truth of the matter is, there are a lot of us out there--awesome individuals who are single. People who have a lot to give someone else, who haven’t found the right person. And, unlike what some of my single girlfriends think, I refuse to believe the good ones are all taken. After all, I am a good one and here I sit.
For awhile, I felt like giving up on it and just “being.” And, so I did. I survived a Christmas alone again this year. And, I do mean completely alone. My family came after Christmas when I had the kids to celebrate. I even sat alone at my church’s Christmas Eve service. And, I was OK. It is the way it is, and I would rather be there taking in the meaning of that night than staying home alone or worrying about what others thing if I don’t have someone sitting with me. I realize that means that I have come a long way in the past few years.
The truth of single life in this day and age is that, if you want to meet someone, you go online. People are just too busy in their own lives to turn on their radar and find someone the good old-fashioned way. In my experience, I don’t meet single and available men any other way than online dating. So, I have to hope that this will go better this time.
Consequently, I am approaching this in a much different way. Two people close to me know that I am doing this. That’s all. I can take this as slowly as I want. I plan to be selective. I plan to be careful and more “streetwise” with things, although my fear is that I tend to be rather innocent and trusting with my heart. I’ll have to watch that.
There is no reason to rush. I recently watched a dear friend get married after meeting someone only 4 months prior, and watched her morph into someone different in those few months. I do not want that. I don’t want to be swept off my feet in a whirlwind.
I want to find someone nice who grows on me.
I want to be courted.
I want to slowly get to know them and let my heart open up fully and regain trust in the process. Eventually, I will introduce them to friends and family, and one day to my children. I have no timetable, and no one else will dictate my timetable either.
My first active day on the site, I got an email from an Italian New York transplant to my city. What on earth do I have in common with this guy? I wondered. I’m meeting him tonight for a drink at a rather crowded pub, where I am certain to probably know a few people.
I take the edge of the bandage and take in a deep breath. It is scary putting myself out there. It is a lot easier to just stay in my life as it is and be alone. But, I know that my heart deserves more than that. I have a lot to offer someone else and I want to receive love too.
So, I pull hard and quick. I rip the Band-Aid off, and with it some of my fears and trepidation. I look down and notice that the wound is almost completely gone now. It is time to try again…