It is funny how life observations and realizations can come
to a person at the most random of moments. Today, my moment formed as beads of
sweat gathered on my forehead and my arms grew weary from scraping away the old
caulk in my shower.
It dawned on me that relationships in your 40’s can be a lot
like home improvement projects. Take re-caulking, for example. A year ago, I caulked
my shower. It was the first time I’d ever tried to do it, and I was pretty
proud of myself with the end result. It wasn’t perfect, but it was better than
it was before and it felt good knowing that I took something in my new home, and
I made it better. A year of learning to manage my life and my children’s lives completely
on my own had not been easy, but like the shower, I was better that day than I
had been previously.
And, now I find myself a year later, taking off moldy remnants
of my previous work, cleaning out the gunk, and starting over. I shake my head
as the parallels to dating life come to mind.
Each time we try again, we find ourselves looking at things
anew. It’s like walking into your new home after signing on the dotted line. The
slate is clean, you feel a surge of optimism at the thought of this new place
and all the new possibilities. This excitement can be dangerous for the
hopeless romantic type, which I must admit that I am. You imagine the “what if’s”
entirely too far in advance. But, in some ways, that can be fun. It makes the
exploration all the more exciting as you enter those first few months of
getting to know that someone special and new.
But, over time, you see some of the cracks in the new person’s
makeup, like noticing the various flaws in the home you’ve just purchased. You
see scars from past relationships. You look to the person to decide, is it
going to be worth dealing with these things to see if this is the real thing?
And, by the same turn, they look to you. They begin to see some
of the less desirable things left from past hurt and relationship failures.
Like molds, those things can grow until they become a problem. You can let
those past life experiences take over, to the point that you can’t see this new
face before you. You only see the last face. The one who left you hurt and
changed. You feel unprepared to tackle what needs to be done to start again.
But, the hope that I hold on to, perhaps foolishly, is that
once you dive in and scrap away the residue from the past hurt, you find
something nice, something solid and worthy of your time and energy. You see the
person for what they are—human. Just as you are human. You throw your arms around them and love
them, hoping to clear away the past hurt and make way for something more
meaningful and new. You take that chance.
With every new try, you could just give up. You could leave
things as they are, and not try to find a way through it. You could just walk
away from the job entirely. Maybe it is not worth it to you at this point in
your life.
But, the there is another option. Sometimes you can look at
the person standing before you, and you can let all the past go. You can try to
re-caulk a line this time that will not leak or break away during life’s trials.
You can take what you’ve learned from the past, and instead of letting it
immobilize you, you can let it teach you how to build something stronger this
time.
You can try again.
And, again.
Each time you forgive yourself for your mistakes, and you
see yourself getting better at knowing what you need to do. Each time, you build
something stronger. One day, you hope it will be worth it. And you will look
into the person’s eyes and know, you came through all of this to get to this
place. This place that is so much better than any other place you have ever
been.
My morning was filled with disappointments and missteps.
And, so I threw myself into this work to try and forget.
I look at my shower….still a work in progress. Something
tells me that whether this go-round work out or not, I will be OK. I will be stronger.
I will learn something and know what to do better next time. And, most of all,
I know, that I will try again and again. Until I am to that right person and
that better place. Because, I refuse to give up on myself.
