Off the tracks again....

It's a hard to explain, when your mind continues to whirl around things to the point that you can't stop it. I've come to understand this as an anxiety issue that I have. One that seems to have a thread of genetics behind it, but manifests itself differently among it's victims in my family. My sister realized she had an issue when she realized she impulsively counts things and keeps records in her head. (Medication.) When my son misses his anxiety meds, he does not sleep. And, I do mean, he DOES NOT SLEEP AT ALL. This translates into me not sleeping, which results in Extremely Grumpy Mom Syndrome--a condition for which no one should bare witness. 

And my anxiety manifestation? Well, my mind goes all over the place: 

• Posting jokes and comments on social media. 
• Recanting songs in my head. 
• Looking up song lyrics and meanings online. 
• Deciding what I am going to make for dinner for the next week. 
• Wondering if the third date with the seemingly perfect new guy will reveal any warts. 
• Wondering what this friend up to. 
• Considering if I should email this other friend. 
• Thinking I should probably do some work. 
• Wondering what's on TV.

Each individual thought isn't that odd, really. But, when you cram those into a 5-minute period? Well, after awhile you start realizing that you have a problem.

I am on too much other medication for health issues that trump this one, to take ANY MORE MEDICATION. So, I long ago decided that this is an issue that I must manage. Dropping my blog writing seems to be a bad thing, as rambling on the internet is a convenient vehicle for my anxiety train when it leaps the track. So, I'm back to ramble, lucky readers. Toot! Toot!

Sometimes my anxiety comes in a wave of fixating on some really random and meaningless piece of crap. I try to hide this a lot of the time. You know, so people aren't able to immediately jump to the conclusion that I'm completely nuts? But, there are times when the fixating sort of "leaks" out where others can see it.

Such was the case recently at a conference for my profession. I didn't even realize I'd been doing it again, until a fairly new work acquaintance that I'd hit it off with bluntly told me, "Look if you don't go and get a glass of wine from that bar soon, I'm going to need one myself." I looked at her quizzically, and she informed me that I'd been talking about getting wine almost nonstop for the past hour.

Really? I thought. You mean, that conversation wasn't just in my head? Embarrassed, I laughed and made a typical self-deprecating joke, and immediately bee-lined for the ATM to get cash for the wine bar. I got my wine. And then I had another. 

Sometimes anxiety fixations can come in handy, especially when I have bursts of determination to do something, such as putting my daughter's broken bed frame back together again. After a year in my garage, I had it back together in a few hours and was feeling like the king of the world. And my daughter celebrated with me. Way to go, Mom! What she did not realize is that had we been in the path of a deadly tornado during those few hours? I am not certain I'd have been unable to stop working on the bed frame and take cover. 

I can work the hell out of a puzzle when I'm in these modes. And, that's the darn truth.

I share this for no other reason than to unload some anxiety that apparently was in there, percolating away. You are quite welcome.

Time for some home improvement...

It is funny how life observations and realizations can come to a person at the most random of moments. Today, my moment formed as beads of sweat gathered on my forehead and my arms grew weary from scraping away the old caulk in my shower.

It dawned on me that relationships in your 40’s can be a lot like home improvement projects. Take re-caulking, for example. A year ago, I caulked my shower. It was the first time I’d ever tried to do it, and I was pretty proud of myself with the end result. It wasn’t perfect, but it was better than it was before and it felt good knowing that I took something in my new home, and I made it better. A year of learning to manage my life and my children’s lives completely on my own had not been easy, but like the shower, I was better that day than I had been previously.

And, now I find myself a year later, taking off moldy remnants of my previous work, cleaning out the gunk, and starting over. I shake my head as the parallels to dating life come to mind.

Each time we try again, we find ourselves looking at things anew. It’s like walking into your new home after signing on the dotted line. The slate is clean, you feel a surge of optimism at the thought of this new place and all the new possibilities. This excitement can be dangerous for the hopeless romantic type, which I must admit that I am. You imagine the “what if’s” entirely too far in advance. But, in some ways, that can be fun. It makes the exploration all the more exciting as you enter those first few months of getting to know that someone special and new.

But, over time, you see some of the cracks in the new person’s makeup, like noticing the various flaws in the home you’ve just purchased. You see scars from past relationships. You look to the person to decide, is it going to be worth dealing with these things to see if this is the real thing?

And, by the same turn, they look to you. They begin to see some of the less desirable things left from past hurt and relationship failures. Like molds, those things can grow until they become a problem. You can let those past life experiences take over, to the point that you can’t see this new face before you. You only see the last face. The one who left you hurt and changed. You feel unprepared to tackle what needs to be done to start again.

But, the hope that I hold on to, perhaps foolishly, is that once you dive in and scrap away the residue from the past hurt, you find something nice, something solid and worthy of your time and energy. You see the person for what they are—human. Just as you are human.  You throw your arms around them and love them, hoping to clear away the past hurt and make way for something more meaningful and new. You take that chance.

With every new try, you could just give up. You could leave things as they are, and not try to find a way through it. You could just walk away from the job entirely. Maybe it is not worth it to you at this point in your life.

But, the there is another option. Sometimes you can look at the person standing before you, and you can let all the past go. You can try to re-caulk a line this time that will not leak or break away during life’s trials. You can take what you’ve learned from the past, and instead of letting it immobilize you, you can let it teach you how to build something stronger this time.

You can try again.

And, again.

Each time you forgive yourself for your mistakes, and you see yourself getting better at knowing what you need to do. Each time, you build something stronger. One day, you hope it will be worth it. And you will look into the person’s eyes and know, you came through all of this to get to this place. This place that is so much better than any other place you have ever been.

My morning was filled with disappointments and missteps. And, so I threw myself into this work to try and forget.

I look at my shower….still a work in progress. Something tells me that whether this go-round work out or not, I will be OK. I will be stronger. I will learn something and know what to do better next time. And, most of all, I know, that I will try again and again. Until I am to that right person and that better place. Because, I refuse to give up on myself.

Unexpected reminders...

It's funny how you can feel like you're past something so certainly. You can feel yourself moving on, and you give thanks for that. You even start to get excited about the possibility of the future. That's when you know you have grown and healed from the hurt of a love that was lost.

Then, unexpectedly, one thing can hit you so squarely in the jaw that you find your mind spinning all over again as if it were the first day you knew it was over.

By the light of morning, I can reason it away. I can see that maybe it was God's way of showing me something that I can look forward to in the future. But, in the moment I read his letter, I felt devastated all over again.

My first love after divorce, may have been my truly first experience with that heart-racing thing that most think of as new love. It may sound sad to have not experienced this, because I was married for almost two decades to someone who cared for me deeply. But, it isn't that there wasn't love there. It just wasn't THIS kind of love.

Things ended poorly with this one, unfortunately. In comparison, I am good friends with my ex-husband and we work daily to support our kids together. He is moving on and about to be remarried to the woman he began dating just weeks after I'd moved out. And, I am truly happy for him and have told him as much. No, this most recent love ended abruptly with hurt, mean words thrown back and forth like weapons leaving marks as they passed through us. I was left very jaded and confused as to whether this man ever really loved me at all.

Last night, I found a letter he wrote me and gave me the first time we met in person. You see, we met online and talked for months before we ever saw one another in person. And, it was a strange and amazing thing that happened there....the connection we had just from words on a phone, texts, and shared photos. I had forgotten about how powerful the connection had been--until I read that letter that had been tucked in the back of a nightstand in a plain white envelope for me to stumble across one day.

The letter was an explanation of a CD he'd made me of love songs and songs that reminded him of me or that meant something powerful to him. Each song, introduced and explained in his amazing way. And, at the end, he spoke about this rare connection we had, and how excited he was about our future together. I could feel his happiness and anticipation in the words. A rush of what it was like came back to me, like a gust of wind that takes you by surprise on a fall day.

I took my breath in as I read the ending that I'd long since forgotten. He told me he loved me, even though he'd never laid eyes on me in person before. And, I remembered distinctly how it felt to read that--to feel so unconditionally loved for who I was as a human being. My marriage had not been like that. I'd spend most of our relationship feeling like my ex was never happy with who I was, always trying to change me into what he thought I should be. But, this had been different. I had been truly adored and loved for my heart and my mind, before a kiss had ever been placed on my lips by this dear man.

I wish I could have felt last night what I feel this morning---the sentimental realization that maybe that feeling will come to me again in a new relationship. Maybe THAT relationship will last forever and I will be able to read a letter like that to him as we laugh and remember how we met.

But, I didn't feel that way. I felt sucker-punched. I felt cheated and angry and confused all over again. I felt panicked about my future and wondered if I'd made a mistake by ending that relationship when the problems became bigger than the love. Today, I know that it was the right thing to do. Last night, I was desperate and heart-broken all over again, cursing myself for not putting the letter away with other memories I'd stored of our experience together.

This morning, when I awoke, I took in a ragged deep breath and realized that maybe I needed to find that letter right now. Maybe instead of leveling me, I should let it remind me of how it can be when you first fall in love. Maybe it is my reminder of what I deserve in a relationship, so that as I make my way through life as a single woman, I will be selective and not settle for less than knock-your-socks-off, simply amazing love...

Surviving Christmas

I planned it all ahead. Knowing my kids would be with their Dad, and I would not be able to go be with my family, I made sure I had lots going on this Christmas.

I had a big project (cleaning out my closet), I had social invitations and plans (a massage, church, then dinner on Christmas Eve, movie/lunch plans Christmas Day), and I had back-up ideas (work, work on a presentation, more home projects). It was all very well thought out, down to the wine I made sure I had ready, just in case I needed it.

It really didn't matter. I could have booked every hour, every minute, and every second out. But, the second my mind went to them, I'd have the same feeling no matter what. I miss my children this Christmas. And, things don't seem right.

The wonderful thing is, I'm one neighborhood away from them, and their Dad has offered to let me come by briefly this morning so I can hug and kiss them and see what Santa brought.

It's not the same. I won't kid you.

Last night, when Santa came for my darlings, it was probably delivered by their Dad and his girfriend. I sat and drank wine and watched a movie and tried to not think about what I was missing. As my head hit the pillow, I let myself feel it for just a minute and I cried and prayed. I considered that I just did that once, and only for a few minutes, a huge accomplishment for the day.

This morning, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. I am not a morning person, but the past two days that I have had to sleep in, I have been up by 6 a.m. I'm not sure why. I guess my body feels something is off. Something is not right in the universe. Every bit of my being wants to be with them right now.

I know that I'm not the first person in the world to deal with this, and my situation is actually much better than a lot of divorced parents. Last night, I was thankful for what might seem like very small things to some people. A friend saved me a seat at church, so I didn't have to sit alone as I typically do. I met two friends for dinner after and we laughed and talked about our futures (we are all newly divorced).

Then, I drove home and instantly noticed all the cars on my normally empty street. Families celebrating. Once home, my eyes went to my Christmas card pictures people had sent. I always set them out and enjoy them throughout December. Every single one of them was of a family this year. The whole family. Together. This would be the first year that I didn't spent Christmas with any family whatsoever. That was one thing I hadn't thought about, actually...

I have learned a lot this year. I have had validation that what happened in my marriage needed to happen--we were not good for one another and our kids have happier parents now.

I have learned what it is like to have someone adore you and how it feels to be swept-off-your-feet and giddy in love. I have learned how hard a break-up can be when your kids become attached and also when you have to recognize something that isn't good for you even if you want it to be.

I have learned how cruel a person can be when he/she is  confused and angry. I learned that, at some point, things are over and you can't love things back to normalcy--even in friendships.

I have learned to sit in a quiet home and just be. I have learned how to sleep and sleep well at night for the first time since probably my early 20s. I have learned that once I give myself a break on working out and eating right, I eventually return to missing being fit and eating right and I start trying to live right again.

I've learned things balance themselves out. A good glass of wine can really help during difficult times, but more than one is definitely too much. That having a sweet kitty crawl on you as you veg on the couch can make your heart smile, especially when he purrs. You heart can break and you can never think it will heal, but slowly it does.

Most of all, I know that all of this was part of God's plan for me. I wish that made this easier, but I have to have faith that better days are ahead and that I will find true contentment and peace. For the most part, I am happier today than I was a year ago. And, I truly hope that next year I can say the same.

Surviving Christmas without your family will change you, even if you plan it out to a "t." But maybe, just maybe, it will change you in good ways that make you never take things for granted ever again. God bless you and yours this Christmas!