It's a hard to explain, when your mind continues to whirl around things to the point that you can't stop it. I've come to understand this as an anxiety issue that I have. One that seems to have a thread of genetics behind it, but manifests itself differently among it's victims in my family. My sister realized she had an issue when she realized she impulsively counts things and keeps records in her head. (Medication.) When my son misses his anxiety meds, he does not sleep. And, I do mean, he DOES NOT SLEEP AT ALL. This translates into me not sleeping, which results in Extremely Grumpy Mom Syndrome--a condition for which no one should bare witness.
And my anxiety manifestation? Well, my mind goes all over the place:
- Posting jokes and comments on social media.
- Recanting songs in my head.
- Looking up song lyrics and meanings online.
- Deciding what I am going to make for dinner for the next week.
- Wondering if the third date with the seemingly perfect new guy will reveal any warts.
- Wondering what this friend up to.
- Considering if I should email this other friend.
- Thinking I should probably do some work.
- Wondering what's on TV.
Each individual thought isn't that odd, really. But, when you cram those into a 5-minute period? Well, after awhile you start realizing that you have a problem.
I am on too much other medication for health issues that trump this one, to take ANY MORE MEDICATION. So, I long ago decided that this is an issue that I must manage. Dropping my blog writing seems to be a bad thing, as rambling on the internet is a convenient vehicle for my anxiety train when it leaps the track. So, I'm back to ramble, lucky readers. Toot! Toot!
Sometimes my anxiety comes in a wave of fixating on some really random and meaningless piece of crap. I try to hide this a lot of the time. You know, so people aren't able to immediately jump to the conclusion that I'm completely nuts? But, there are times when the fixating sort of "leaks" out where others can see it.
Such was the case recently at a conference for my profession. I didn't even realize I'd been doing it again, until a fairly new work acquaintance that I'd hit it off with bluntly told me, "Look if you don't go and get a glass of wine from that bar soon, I'm going to need one myself." I looked at her quizzically, and she informed me that I'd been talking about getting wine almost nonstop for the past hour.
Really? I thought. You mean, that conversation wasn't just in my head? Embarrassed, I laughed and made a typical self-deprecating joke, and immediately bee-lined for the ATM to get cash for the wine bar. I got my wine. And then I had another.
Sometimes anxiety fixations can come in handy, especially when I have bursts of determination to do something, such as putting my daughter's broken bed frame back together again. After a year in my garage, I had it back together in a few hours and was feeling like the king of the world. And my daughter celebrated with me. Way to go, Mom! What she did not realize is that had we been in the path of a deadly tornado during those few hours? I am not certain I'd have been unable to stop working on the bed frame and take cover.
I can work the hell out of a puzzle when I'm in these modes. And, that's the darn truth.
I share this for no other reason than to unload some anxiety that apparently was in there, percolating away. You are quite welcome.